Statistical twaddle, everyday life at Westminster Council

THE MARVELLOUS Mr Keith Waterhouse, that distinguished journalist of these parts who had just turned 80 years old, has finally written his last incisive column.

In the past he has come up with many wonderful inventions toiling at the typewriter. The fabulous Billy Liar; Sharon and Tracy, the indolent shop assistants; Clogthorpe District Council, where members argue in circles before adjourning to nearby hostelry The Limping Cockroach; and, perhaps the best of all, the Department of Guesswork – now the privatised National Guesswork Authority – where Waterhouse’s brother-in-law Arnold works tirelessly to provide the country with nonsense statistics and meaningless facts.

This government agency – slogan, “Inaccuracy is our Middle Name” – performs a vital function in these simplistic times when the media demands simple ways of explaining simple stories to a stupid public. That’s why every new skyscraper is so many times “the size of Nelson’s Column”, why every new building site would “cover four football pitches”, why anything liquid would be enough to “fill five Olympic swimming pools” and why obscure African countries are “the size of Wales”. (Only a far more attractive place to live.)

This statistical twaddle has now become everyday life at Westminster Council!

Rarely does 24 hours pass without an idiot turning up in our newspapers. Look at past recitals: Bikes are more polluting than Hummers. Parking space is at a premium (then they sell off two of the facilities) etc etc…

Westminster’s Council spin machine has gone into overdrive. We are told the Councillors don’t care and they, just like wee Gordon Brown, want to get on with the job.

Nutsville wishes they’d stop insulting our intelligence with this gibberish. The only statistic that Nutsville will ever believe is that six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.

Come May 2010 be prepared to be the minority. And what for – because you are Councillors who openly state you don’t listen to your residents or even a majority?

And let’s not forget the Councillors who awarded themselves a free parking permit.
Strangely, not ONE of them has come forward to defend this ridiculous, self serving bonus. Westminster has become a Council of needy, nobody nothings.

Step aside and let people with some integrity take your sad, wanabee places.

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2 Comments

BikeSeptember 7th, 2009 at 9:48 am

Mr Waterhouse would have liked that one :)

MonkeyBoySeptember 10th, 2009 at 9:25 am

“The only statistic that Nutsville will ever believe is that six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy”

That really did make me LOL, well done :o )

Keep up the good work, it never ceases to amaze me when I read the latest stupid action, statement, rule that WCC roll out, it would be funny if only it weren’t true

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